Have you paid your dues for your depression this month?

Dues? What is depression a club? Oh you mean have I worked on myself, read, written, colored whatever it takes get myself up and out of my head.  I see.

I go to therapy four times a month. I sit there, cry, tell her what has been going on, cry some more, listen to her tell me what I know already. I could be sitting in her seat. Yes I do know. My problem is implementing the “know” into my reality.

My mother was depressed,  her mother was depressed and her mothers mother was also depressed.  I grew to hate the word. Can’t you call it something else mom, please.  Ok Marlene I’m sad, how’s that?

My punishment for not being more understanding of my mothers depression, is now my “sadness.” I am not alone.  My sister and brother have it too.

I knew that dis-ease of the mind ran in the family and I really didn’t want to pass that on.  So I chose to have no children.

Was it selfish of me to play God, to make the decision to not bring a child into this world who I knew would more than likely inherit my depression?  Seeing this in black and white just makes me sad that I felt I had to make that choice.

I was an athlete. I took karate stopped one belt away from black.  I tried kick boxing, I ran, I hiked, I took dance.  Now it hurts to walk.

I had a knee and the joints in both thumbs replaced all in a three year period.  Talk about a major “sadness” trigger. But I am a fighter.

I fight every day when I wake up, I fight to stay positive, busy, happy and to not feel guilty when I am depressed.

If I look at things logically, I truly have nothing to be depressed about.  Or to feel guilt about.  I should be rejoicing at the gift of another day of life. I do love life.  Everything about it.

Death, on the other hand, scares the shit out of me. At times I obsess about growing old and dying.  Not good.

We are lucky enough to be the only living thing on earth that knows we are going to die. It is the only thing we know for a fact.  Thank God we don’t have an expiration date stamped somewhere on our body!

Point being, my life is not bad. There are people whose lives are a reason to be sad. Mine is not.  I inherited a gene thats all.

So I go to my therapist, I do my homework as assigned.  The homework does help.

My therapist calls my depression “Situational” I am not always depressed.  Part time depression, like a part time job.  I only have to work at being happy part time.  I am a part time student of depression.  How lucky I am.

I inherited a sadness. A sadness passed down from generation to generation, it is my cross to bear, my generational turn. I wish that just this once depression could have skipped a generation and left me out of it. I certainly would not have chosen to join this club.

Depression; Friend or Foe

Depression the word is a noun it describes a person, place, thing or state.  Depression the state of being is to feel as if you are in a depressed or sunken place lower than the surrounding surface.  Depression is your bodys’ way of telling you something is off, not right. There is something going on with you mentally or physically that needs to be fixed.  Easy to write, hard to implement.

Some people I know never seem to get depressed they are perpetually in a good mood. If a major life altering event takes place, death, divorce or a financial issue they deal with it and move on.

Deal with it. That is the key.  I am not that type of person.  If a sad event happens in my life I have trouble dealing with it.  I think I am, I cry and make all the right motions as if I am dealing with it, when actually I am burying the true sadness and going through the motions.

True sadness cannot be buried.  Not for long.  It is going to bubble up to the surface when you least expect it.  You may feel as if you are over the event that made you sad.  But truly you are not.

I experienced my first panic attack at 14. I had no idea what it was.  All I knew was that I could not breathe, could not run from my own body. I felt trapped.  As I later learned, through therapy and self study, panic is caused by repressed sadness, fear or unhappy feelings of any sort.  In my case my grandfathers failing health and angina attacks were the culprit.

I buried those feelings in being a rebellious teen.  Ignoring the situation, leaving the house to go to the beach with friends. Thus as feelings must, they came out in a burst of panic. Better if I had dealt with my fear and sadness.

I could hide, but never for long.  You cannot hide from yourself and you must own up to your true feelings.  They are part of you.  Part of your being.  So as your hair and nails grow those repressed feelings will grow too.  They will fester inside until they burst like a boil and spew those nasty, toxic feelings front and center.  Depression or panic ensues and you wonder why now? Things are going great.  Why am I depressed now?

So why am I writing about depression today?  Bottom line, I am depressed and have no idea why.  I thought if I wrote about it. Showed you and myself how knowledgeable about the subject of depression I am, I might feel better.  Not working.

As I type this I am depressed, tears are streaming down my face.  I try my hardest to use my friend depression to fight the foe of depression through words.  Hoping against hope that what comes on paper will release the demon from within. So I can deal with whatever it is that I neglected to deal with last month, last year or maybe it was yesterday…


Marlene 😎

Blogging 201 Three Goals

This is actually an easy assignment for me as it feels like a natural progression from Blogging 101. Following are my top three:

1.  Get down with widgets and links

2.  Once I get down with widgets, I want to add a “Fun Fact Friday” widget to my sidebar

3.  Start seeing a regular increase in Followers at least a 10% increase bi-weekly

Those  are my top three goals. There is so much more I would like to see happen with my blog.

I want Postcards to be entertaining.  I want readers to look forward to what I am going to discuss next.  I want to have a widget with a quote that relates to the post.

Publication Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

I have been doing some soul searching on my blog content and branding and am excited about becoming consistent with an actual theme to my blog.  Blogging 101 really got me started on the thought process.  Now is the time to start implementing and improving.

I look forward to continued reading of the blogs I started following in 101 and making new friends here in 201.



Super Bowl Sunday! Did you know?????

In honor of the Super Bowl I am putting out a special post today “Super Bowl fun facts.”

Did you know 80 something year old Don Rich has snuck into over 30 Super Bowls including the very first one.

Did You know former Giants quarterback Phil Simms, MVP of Super Bowl XXI was the first to say “I’m going to Disneyland.” The year was 1987. Word has it that Simms didn’t want to do it even though he was paid $50,000 and Disney did send his family to Disneyland, all expenses paid of course. The rest, as they say, is history.

Did you know in the 1989 Super Bowl quarterback Joe Montana calmed his teammates down in the huddle before the game winning drive by pointing to the stands and saying “isn’t that John Candy?” They won the game and it is still not known if John Candy was actually in the stands.

Did you know that in the first Super Bowl in 1967 NBC accidentally missed the kickoff in the second half? They were interviewing Bob Hope and forgot to cut away. No problem they reset and redid the kickoff for the cameras!

Did you know in 2001 the Baltimore Ravens went on to win the Super Bowl after referring to the big game as “Festivus Maximus” all season. Remember the Seinfeld episode of the same name?

Did you know that the Referrees who officiate at the Super Bowl also get rings?

For our final Super Bowl fun fact. Did you know that rumor has it the Super Bowl got its name from Kansas City Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt who coined the name after his children’s favorite toy the “Super Ball” remember those? There is actually one on display in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Enjoy your day! Eat heartily, party hearty, drive safely and may the best team win!