Depression the word is a noun it describes a person, place, thing or state. Depression the state of being is to feel as if you are in a depressed or sunken place lower than the surrounding surface. Depression is your bodys’ way of telling you something is off, not right. There is something going on with you mentally or physically that needs to be fixed. Easy to write, hard to implement.
Some people I know never seem to get depressed they are perpetually in a good mood. If a major life altering event takes place, death, divorce or a financial issue they deal with it and move on.
Deal with it. That is the key. I am not that type of person. If a sad event happens in my life I have trouble dealing with it. I think I am, I cry and make all the right motions as if I am dealing with it, when actually I am burying the true sadness and going through the motions.
True sadness cannot be buried. Not for long. It is going to bubble up to the surface when you least expect it. You may feel as if you are over the event that made you sad. But truly you are not.
I experienced my first panic attack at 14. I had no idea what it was. All I knew was that I could not breathe, could not run from my own body. I felt trapped. As I later learned, through therapy and self study, panic is caused by repressed sadness, fear or unhappy feelings of any sort. In my case my grandfathers failing health and angina attacks were the culprit.
I buried those feelings in being a rebellious teen. Ignoring the situation, leaving the house to go to the beach with friends. Thus as feelings must, they came out in a burst of panic. Better if I had dealt with my fear and sadness.
I could hide, but never for long. You cannot hide from yourself and you must own up to your true feelings. They are part of you. Part of your being. So as your hair and nails grow those repressed feelings will grow too. They will fester inside until they burst like a boil and spew those nasty, toxic feelings front and center. Depression or panic ensues and you wonder why now? Things are going great. Why am I depressed now?
So why am I writing about depression today? Bottom line, I am depressed and have no idea why. I thought if I wrote about it. Showed you and myself how knowledgeable about the subject of depression I am, I might feel better. Not working.
As I type this I am depressed, tears are streaming down my face. I try my hardest to use my friend depression to fight the foe of depression through words. Hoping against hope that what comes on paper will release the demon from within. So I can deal with whatever it is that I neglected to deal with last month, last year or maybe it was yesterday…