Have you paid your dues for your depression this month?

Dues? What is depression a club? Oh you mean have I worked on myself, read, written, colored whatever it takes get myself up and out of my head.  I see.

I go to therapy four times a month. I sit there, cry, tell her what has been going on, cry some more, listen to her tell me what I know already. I could be sitting in her seat. Yes I do know. My problem is implementing the “know” into my reality.

My mother was depressed,  her mother was depressed and her mothers mother was also depressed.  I grew to hate the word. Can’t you call it something else mom, please.  Ok Marlene I’m sad, how’s that?

My punishment for not being more understanding of my mothers depression, is now my “sadness.” I am not alone.  My sister and brother have it too.

I knew that dis-ease of the mind ran in the family and I really didn’t want to pass that on.  So I chose to have no children.

Was it selfish of me to play God, to make the decision to not bring a child into this world who I knew would more than likely inherit my depression?  Seeing this in black and white just makes me sad that I felt I had to make that choice.

I was an athlete. I took karate stopped one belt away from black.  I tried kick boxing, I ran, I hiked, I took dance.  Now it hurts to walk.

I had a knee and the joints in both thumbs replaced all in a three year period.  Talk about a major “sadness” trigger. But I am a fighter.

I fight every day when I wake up, I fight to stay positive, busy, happy and to not feel guilty when I am depressed.

If I look at things logically, I truly have nothing to be depressed about.  Or to feel guilt about.  I should be rejoicing at the gift of another day of life. I do love life.  Everything about it.

Death, on the other hand, scares the shit out of me. At times I obsess about growing old and dying.  Not good.

We are lucky enough to be the only living thing on earth that knows we are going to die. It is the only thing we know for a fact.  Thank God we don’t have an expiration date stamped somewhere on our body!

Point being, my life is not bad. There are people whose lives are a reason to be sad. Mine is not.  I inherited a gene thats all.

So I go to my therapist, I do my homework as assigned.  The homework does help.

My therapist calls my depression “Situational” I am not always depressed.  Part time depression, like a part time job.  I only have to work at being happy part time.  I am a part time student of depression.  How lucky I am.

I inherited a sadness. A sadness passed down from generation to generation, it is my cross to bear, my generational turn. I wish that just this once depression could have skipped a generation and left me out of it. I certainly would not have chosen to join this club.

4 thoughts on “Have you paid your dues for your depression this month?

  1. I liked this.. a lot.. heres to those days that are situated in the calm gentle ways that make you smile. Frankly happy is over rated. Happy all the time would make us just as mad. A little bit happy a lot of the time works! Hope this day is a good one.. I really do.. c

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much! I have not posted since that as I was not sure I wanted to post only about mental dis-ease I am going to the convention in Phoenix. Hopefully I will get some guidance and inspiration! My therapist has said there is nothing wrong with posting about my depression especially if it makes someone feel less alone in theirs.

      Like

      • I think it would help others when you write especially as you write with humour and intelligence. Imagine being depressed without a sense of humour – now THAT would be a glum fellow indeed. You are certainly At – ease with this medium. I am speaking at the Portland conference so sadly i will not get to meet you, but I am sure you will have a fantastic time. I look forward to hearing all about it! I hope you find some lovely moments today.

        Liked by 1 person

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