Why I am dysfunctional today

Pain, I am indescribably dysfunctional today because of pain. My quote for the day in my newly acquired “Dysfunctional Journal” is eerily  apropos:

“I believe that everybody comes from pain and a certain amount of dysfunction.”

Thank you Mariel Hemingway for this bit of truth.

I never in a million years thought that I would have pain like this. Not from this body, this body that always worked like a well oiled machine. No matter what sport hit my fancy – karate, kick boxing, aerobics, jazzercise, running, speed walking. You name it my body and I loved it, lived it. No longer.

Today is the second day I woke up in tears.  How I dislike myself when I feel weak.  I need to not feel this way about this body that has served me so well, until recently. My new normal.

Is crying a good release? A pain killer in disguise? I do not know the answer to this. The tears come, the hot tears, welling, filling my eyes until they overflow like lava running down my face. The heat of them feels good.  I do not try to stop.  There must be a reason the tears come uninvited.  Some chemical in this body of mine,  I won’t fight, not just yet.

It is the last day of another year. A nanosecond it feels. What do you say at the end of one year?  The beginning of another looming as the sun sets and the moon rides high in the sky?  Nothing if you are smart. I have no control over what is coming with tomorrow’s sunrise any more than I currently have control over this pain that has decided to spend this last day of the year with me as an unexpected, unwelcome guest.

Now is what I have, when my eyes, albeit full of tears, should be open to the beauty of everything around. My heart should be full of joy and gratitude for this moment, pain or not. 

If I had a wish for the upcoming year, it would be that I could live exclusively in the now.  Each moment full of joy, overflowing with gratitude. Reveling in the moment, pain or not.  Enjoying completely the gift of now.  The biggest, most unappreciated gift we have.

Happy New Year 2016!